Wednesday, February 8, 2017

I Think I Can

         I don’t know why I find it so hard to write. This once was my only love. I could sit down and write an entire story in a matter of hours. The words would flow so perfectly and easily. I was so confident in my ability to tell a story. It didn’t matter how serious or silly the subject. It all came so easy. I felt like I was a natural. No, my grammar is not perfect and in a rush my spelling would surely be off too, but none of that mattered to be because I WAS a natural. Now when I write it’s like learning a new language. You retain the basics, but you can’t fully grasp the entire understanding of whatever the hell it is you’re talking about. I’m easily distracted. I all too easily doubt myself. It’s very crippling. Losing motivation in the thing I loved most is like not being able to breathe. I haven’t been able to breathe for a long time. At times I can catch my breath and everything seems fine and brand new then all of a sudden something knocks the wind out of me again. I once read a quote that said something to the effect that “I’ve fallen in love with depression”. I in fact have. It gives me every excuse in the world. Can’t write? I’m depressed. No motivation? I’m depression. It’s my scapegoat. It’s also my hindrance. As easy as it is to say that my lack of motivation stems from depression, it’s so hard to burst through that wall to knock this demon on its ass. Hiding behind this wall of mental illness is easy until you realize that there’s no way around, above, or under that wall. You just sit there, stare, and wonder how you got trapped in the first place and how long have you been cowering behind this wall. I’m so so tired of being trapped, but I know nothing different. I so much so want to be a best selling author. I want that more than anything. I want my words to help people. I have so many stories that I know for a fact would reach and touch so many, but I can’t get past myself. I am forever standing in my own way. The fear and the doubt has left me without passion. I write little posts like this in hopes to get me motivated and to give me a little push, and above all else, to get to the nitty gritty of what I’m feeling, but it hardly ever goes beyond that. How do I get back to what I love? I need to find a way to stop me from stopping me. That’s the only thing between me and creativity. I guess, I’ll have to remind myself that there’s always baby steps. To not beat myself up over the big picture and instead celebrate my small victories. It’s easier said than done. I’ve been beating myself up for so long that it’s hard to remember what a self pat on the back feels like. I’ll get there. I will definitely get there.

-Asia Aneka Anderson

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Goodbye, 2016

I don't have anymore tears to give this year.
No more heart to break.
I have nothing left to give.
I say goodbye to you.
You caused me a heartache like none other.
You forced me to experience life.
I've never known such pain.
I've never had such joy.
Still I say goodbye to you.
You will have an effect on me for years to come.
I still need room to heal.
The next year I hope for the best.
I hope for it to be better than the last.
To this year, I say goodbye to you.
You have made an imprint on my life.
One I'll surely never forget.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Goodbye, 2016©

Sunday, December 25, 2016

I Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Better New Year

        Christmas is here and 2016 is almost over. My family and I don’t do much for the holidays. We really haven’t for several years now. I don’t remember the last time we set up a tree or hung up a single light. There’s only a medium sized feast and a few gifts if our budgets allow. Although our Christmases are not Christmassy this year is the most uncheerful I’ve ever felt. Last year I lost an aunt and this year my dad. Time is chipping away at my family and grief is leaving little to celebrate. Over time wounds will heal but it will be long in my future for everything is still raw. With that being said trust me that everyone I love has not been overlooked or forgotten.
         I’m not in any sort of Christmas spirit, but I am in the spirit to try and spread my love and understanding. Over the past year I’ve seen grief has not only hit me, but many people I’ve crossed paths with. Many of us will be spending this holiday as a first without a loved one whether it be a parent, grandparent, child, etc. I’ve seen many of these people on my social media timelines, whether they be old friends, best friends I’ve never met, or family, battle cancer, lose jobs, lose homes, etc. These past few years have been really trying for a lot of us. One thing I can say is that we made it through. 2016 was my own personal hell, but I made it through. I struggled through, but made it out on the other end ready to take 2017 head on.
        This season I want to take the time to tell people that I love them. The latter part of the year I’ve been difficult to deal with. I know this. I also no that for some time to come I will continue to be difficult to deal with at time. One moment I’m cheery, the next I’m short, the next I’m silent and don’t want to be bothered, and the next I’m loud. For now this is my new normal. For those of us who have dealt with a lot these past few years we all have a new normal. It may not be pleasant. It may not be ideal, but it is what it shall be. That does not alter my love for my family, my friends, and those who have had my back.
        Merry Christmas to you all. May 2017 be something only dreams are made of. Let it be full of hope and promise and more laughs than tears. Much love to all of you.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

A Queen Unbothered

I once shed my crown for a man I thought would be king.
Ready to share my kingdom.
A hunter I thought fit to rule.
His approach fierce.
His heart seemed kind.
Suddenly a darkness showed itself.
Casting shade over a land I built.
An empire still growing.
Changing the queen in me.
It almost shook me from my throne.
Made me doubt my rule.
The darkness was brief.
Just a cloud passed over.
As I proclaimed to be unbothered.
I refuse to let a peasant in king’s clothing rob me of my riches.
I replace my crown.
Vow to never let it be removed again.
Only a true king will rule the heart of this queen.
A king who will see the royalty in me as in himself.
Nothing will crumble our empire.
We will possess a power that will never die.
A king whose approach is fierce.
His heart kind.
His love true.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, A Queen Unbothered 2016©

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Monday, December 5, 2016