I don’t understand why some people around me get offended by the things I write about. I only write what I know, what I dream, and what I feel. If I can’t talk about any of those things then I wouldn’t be writing something that was real to me. Any story that I write from fiction has a background of reality. Each character I relate to. It’s either a person I was, am, or wish I could be. I use my experiences to say things that weigh heavy on me in hopes that someone can relate. It doesn’t mean that an event in my life makes me angry, sad, happy or any other emotion. It’s just something that happened. Everything that has happened and will happen in my life I use as a learning experience. Anything that has happened whether it be good or bad has molded the person I am today. In no way shape or form am I the person I want to be but all the things and people that I will come across will continue to shape me. I have blogged in the past about various things that have happened in my life. I’ve talked about my drug addicted father, friends abandoning me in my time of need, insecurities that have plagued me from my childhood, my loneliness and everything in between. If anyone in my life comes across these things I get told that I “hold grudges”, or “focus on the negative”. I get every response except “I understand where you’re coming from.” I never say these things to guilt trip people or make myself out to be the victim. I say these things to try to explain my reactions to people and what makes me who I am now and in some way to put it into writing so that I, myself, can get understanding of why I do the things I do. I know that from my past I’ve had friends steal crushes or boyfriends from me, not wanting to be there for me when I needed someone to talk to, make lame excuses for not inviting me to things, etc. It hurts at the time, yes, but if I reflect back on it in my writing It’s not me holding a grudge, it’s me telling an experience on how to make people earn my trust. I’ve grown up with family who would make fun of the way I dressed, the music I listened to, my weight or overall physical appearance. That’s something that has stuck with me. I take it as it is. In this point in my life if I feel a certain way about myself I can’t blame that on anyone else all these years later. All I can say is that’s where it started. As far as my dad is concerned I know that if I ever have children to never let my baggage come before them and show them that they are more important than any substance, and as far as the negative side of the situation with my father is that it will always make me weary of any man that may come into my life. It’s the main reason I don’t drink or take any prescription if I need to. That’s how I reacted to that. All of these things I have learned a lesson from. It may not be same lesson for everyone else that has dealt with these things, but that’s what I take from these experiences. Most of these people who take offense also confuse me by stating as to how they “wouldn’t react that way.” That’s the amazingness of individuality. I turn my angst or hurt into writing. Some people may go eat ice cream, go boxing, or binge watch “Toddlers & Tiaras” on Netflix. It always puzzles me when someone says that or telling me to just “get over it.” Things like that only hurts more and is a good way to keep a wound open. I have people from my past that have hurt me who, even though maybe not apologizing, have recognized how their actions may have hurt me and treated me with kindness. It’s always the ones who, even if they don’t apologize, don’t even try to understand why I feel the way I do, (even if I explain it until I’m blue in the face) who want to pretend like nothing happened and think we can just be the best of friends. No. I can’t play that game anymore. I know most people around me don’t understand that I’ve had this void in me for as long as I can remember, but I don’t think it’s fair to tell me how to deal with something. I’ve come this far in my life without any self mutilation or anything else to damage my body, no matter how much I’ve wanted to. So just because my scars don’t show on the outside doesn’t mean they’re not there. And don’t tell me I’m overreacting just because something that may be small to you is devastating for me. We’re not all the same, but we should all be treated with respect.
-Asia Aneka Anderson