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Showing posts from October, 2014

Pretty For a Black Girl

The topic I’m about to go into has affected me my entire life, but I have never fully opened my eyes to it until the impact it’s had on me recently. Now every time I post something like this I try to make a little disclaimer that I’m in no way an expert I just come from my heart and how I see things. I know with this particular topic affects each person differently. For some it’s a harder subject and are more passionate about it and for others they may be blind to it like I probably was.
Colorism.
I’m going to give a little background on myself  before I dive into how colorism pretty much slapped me in the face this year (and probably has  several times along the way) especially when it comes to the opposite sex.
Anyone who knows me knows that I identify with anything nerdy, fangirl, rock, and pretty much anything stereotypically labeled as “white girl behavior” (not my words) so naturally when it came to dating I gravitated to white men. I just had more in common wit…

Tragic Boyfriend Tales #2

Boyfriend M and I started dating my junior year of high school. He was a senior. We actually started out as best friends and I figured since I knew he liked me then we could take it to the next step. Fast forward to the summer of that year. Summers were special to me because my little cousin, who was like a sister to me, came up to Ohio from Tennessee every summer. She was about 11 at the time and I was probably 17, but she was my absolute best friend. I told M this and that most of my summer would most likely be spent with her seeing as we only see each other three months out of the year. He was okay at first because I think he thought I was understating what I said.
        I brought her to a few events with friends, but we didn’t do too much with M because I could tell my cousin didn’t like him. Being the jealous type that he was he started calling me nonstop. One night when my cousin was sleeping over he called and started saying stupid things like “Is she the…
More than anything I wonder what it would feel like to wake up a different person. Someone who’s happy, always smiling, greets strangers, and has the ability to brush off negativity without a second thought. I want to know what it feels like to be a good person. I want to be someone who has positive people gravitate towards her. I want to wake up and know what it feels like to have people root for me and willing to pick me up when I fall. I wonder what it feels like to not have people disappear when times get tough. I’d like to know what it feels like being something other than second best. What would not being ignored feel like? I want to know what unconditional love feels like and not the kind of love that feels forced. I wonder what it feels like to love myself. I want to love me at my highs and my lows. I want to wake up and feel prepared to take on life. What does it feel like to be alive? I wonder what joy really is? I want to know what it’s like not being someone’…
People who don’t really know me or only know me through social media don’t truly understand my love for writing. Ever since I was a little girl I wrote short stories, poems, fanfics, etc. I was even that kid that loved to write essays. All throughout school I was praised by teachers for my vivid imagination and the ways I could make characters come alive. I don’t know how or when my love for something that was my life vanished. It’s like losing a limb. There’s something very numbing about it. You don’t understand how lost I truly feel. Something that would take me hours to finish suddenly takes years. I’m 31 and things I wrote when I was in my early teens seems to be executed much more elegantly. I feel as though my talent is dying and slowly moving backward in slow motion. I’ve tried to much to revive it. I start numerous blogs, I share my shitty work, I try to write down what comes to mind, I put my characters through ridiculous scenarios to see if any storyline chang…
I feel like there’s a change coming in my love life (at least I hope). I met this guy about two months ago on a dating site and we instantly hit it off. The only downside is that we’re not in the same state. I haven’t had anyone make me this happy in a while. He sends me ‘good morning’ texts and checks up on me to see how my day is and recently he’s been telling me a lot that he wishes I could be there to cuddle with and that he thinks about me all the time. That takes me by surprise because in all the years I’ve been dating I never heard those things from boyfriends let alone someone I just met. I know it’s strictly an internet and phone thing for right now therefore I’m not going to be the type to fall for every word, but it is incredibly nice to hear all these things. I won’t know for sure, until I meet him, if everything he says is coming from his heart or just something he thinks I want to hear, but I’m hoping for the best. After all I’ve been through I deserve a …
Ignore me while I still try to find my writing mojo and bore you with random journal entries from my boring life. Gotta start over from somewhere, right? Right.

Tragic Boyfriend Tales #1

Boyfriend Q was the popular guy in 7th grade. A lot of girls wanted him, myself included. His best friend was a good friend of mine and I asked him everyday if Q had said anything about me and begged him to talk to Q for me. Eventually Q gave in and he was my boyfriend. I was stoked that me, the quietest shy girl in school, got the popular guy for once. At the end of the school year our grade went on a class trip to the amusement park King’s Island. We didn’t spend too much time together. He had his friends and I had mine. Whether I spent time with him there or not I had a kick ass time with my girls. I decided that before we left I’d go to the gift shop and buy him something cute with my allowance. I gave it to him when we got on the bus and went to sit with my girlfriends. As we were riding down the highway my friends kept bugging him about why he wasn’t sitting with his girlfriend. I heard him say something like “I’ll sit with her if she barks for me.” Total “She’s All…
So I made a post yesterday about starting a series of short stories about horrible relationship experiences. So today I realized it’s perfect and I thought I’d take it a step further. I’ll write about horrible experiences with past boyfriends, friends, family, potential mates, etc. and call it “Tragic ____ Tales”. Each story will have one incident instead of just going through every fuck up the person has done in one story. Hopefully this will motivaete me to write more.
I need something to get my writing mojo back. Make like some wacky journal like series. I thought about making a “Tragic Boyfriend Tales”, but seeing as I haven’t had many relationships it would be short lived. Still might be worth it. I’ll think about it. I’ve dated some weirdos.

The 5 Stages Of Grief For The Undead

First denial.
I wandered through a heavy fog of denial for over a decade.              
The vision of a presumed happy childhood hid the gloomy truth.
Not my family. Not my father.                     
Every lie he threw my way I grasped.                                                   
I didn’t want to see the shroud of darkness covered our family in.
I was safe in sweet lies and denial.
 Anger set in.
When the fog cleared I gave into an anger I had never felt before.
Angry at myself. Angry at my father. Angry at my mother.
Angry at the world.
I became numb.
A rage consumed my body whole.
Lying underneath was a hurt little girl wondering where her father went.
On the surface was a woman betrayed and used.
Bargaining was short lived.
I blamed myself.
If only I had spoken up sooner.
If only I had tried to help.
I bargained with my God.
Let him live. Let him get better. Let him be the man I knew.
All I want is for him to be better.
He saw me as the enemy and his dealers as saviors.
I’ve been called pretty, a great woman, funny, and ballsy, but I have never been called someone’s first choice.

Happy

Is it that happiness is but a dream?
So distant.
So far.
So seemingly unattainable we strive for something that may not exist.
What does this mean?
Are we fools to believe we can be happy?
Agree or disagree.
Agree to disagree.
Truth is, I know the answer.
Happiness is a figment of the imagination.
A figment we embrace because of the smile on our faces.
Truth is, life beats the hell out of us.
Where is that middle ground?
I don’t want middle ground.
I want that high road.
I want to feel this happiness for once.
I need to be happy.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Imagine Love

Love is something very fictional to me.
Where is it?
Have I ever had it?
Am I incapable of receiving love?
I’ve had so many false starts.
I’m afraid to begin again.
I feel to ragged for the dating game.
I want a family.
I long for a soulmate.
I want a happily ever after.
I’m starting to feel as tough love isn’t fictional.
It just doesn’t exist at all.
One day someone will change my mind.
One day I’ll know love.
I want that day to be now.
I’ve felt so alone.
Unfortunately I’ll have to wait for my Prince Charming and hopefully he’s just that.
The one to make this fiction true.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Dreams

I had dreams once too.
It is a mystery as to where they went.
Deep down I know they’re there.
It’s my passion, my ambition, that has vanished.
These dreams are in reach, but my confidence weighs to heavy to reach them.
One day I’ll grasp it.
One day I’ll live my dreams.
No more waiting.
Time to wake up and take action.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Work In Progress

I am a storyteller.
These tales I tell extend from my brain to my fingertips.
My vision is blocked and the words are jumbled.
A backlog of literature sits in my mind.
Narratives of mothers and daughters.
Adventures with friends searching for a place in life.
A masterpiece of loniless and embracing many flaws.
Heartbreaking sagas of lost love and broken relationships.
The discussion in comedy of a hellish existence.
These tales are worth telling, but hard to say.
I chisel away this chaos with the tip of my pencil.
Pulling the script from my very being.
This is the life of an artist.
A life I would never exchange for another.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Tough Exterior

Hard shell.
Gentle soul.
A feeling of do not disturb.
So much I’ve learned from you, but do not say.
I don’t know how to say it.
I keep my distance.
Your distance is further.
Can a bond stay strong?
Is it broken?
We are just existing.
Lives hanging in existence.
It’s unclear how we go back.
Two hard shells.
Two gentle souls.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

What Is A Friendship?

My family as close as blood.
To be there for the smiles and the tears.
Friendships I have created only stay for the smiles.
When the tears start to fall you all vanish.
I’m left alone.
I deal.
I cope.
I move on.
I reopen doors.
Repeat.
This cycle has made me angry.
I become distant and cold.
I’ve been through a lot only to walk hand in hand with myself.
You resurface when the struggle is gone.
I foolishly allow it.
Wanting human interaction so bad I ignore what’s good for me.
I’ve learned a lot.
I’ve become strong.
My journeys alone build me.
This will change.
No more resurfacing in my life.
I’d rather walk this life alone than be consistently let down.
In the end I know that at least I’ll always be there for me.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Update

I know I sort of abandoned this blog. It happens. My motivation and creativity isn't what it used to be. Writer's block is a bitch, that's for sure. Then again no one is really reading this. That's still not an excuse for blowing off something I used to love to do more than anything. For right now I'm trying to catch this blog up with my Tumblr. There's still several poems and posts that I have not added here from there. I want to share all of my writing with both sites to expand my audience. I also have a poem that I'm currently working on that's pretty tricky for some reason. In addition to that I have a few opinion posts I want to do, but in pure perfectionist fashion I can't move on to do those until that poem is done. I feel like a chicken with it's head cut off if I don't work on these small projects in order. Hopefully I'll have all of those up within the next week. I also have ideas in my mind to beef up the major stories I'm…

The Lyrical Body

I have lyrics that flow through my veins.
Harmony that leaks from my tear ducts.
“Why do I need music lessons?” She asked.
“I am music.”

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Better Than

My reflection doesn’t make eye contact.
I thought this was over.
Hold your head up.
Sometimes it’s a thought we can’t shake.
The plague of not feeling good enough.
If only the thoughts were “you are better than.”
It is a long process.
Along the way others poison your mind.
“You’re not skinny enough.”
“Don’t you smile?”
“You’re too short.”
Block it out.
Hold your head above the negativity.
You are better than.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites