I'm Lost.

        My father just died. It feels weird to say it. I’ve had many nightmares like this, but none that could prepare me for the real thing. I have no idea what to say. I have no idea what to do. I just keep going back to when I last saw him. He walked me to the door as I left for work and hugged me as he always does and said “Be careful.” I was in such a hurry and my hands were full so I didn’t get to hug him back, only press my head against his chest. Did I even say “goodbye” or “I love you”? Not even three hours later he was gone. How is that even possible? I can’t wrap my head around it. 
        As I’ve written about before, my father has been sick for a long time. Everyone knew this time was coming, but still it doesn’t prepare you. Nothing in life can prepare you for this. I’ve gone through every emotion possible in 10 hours and I know I go through many more in the upcoming hours, days, weeks, months, and years. Mostly I feel numb. The crying has not stopped, but still I’m just numb. I don’t know when it will finally hit me that he’s gone, but it’s a feeling I do not anticipate. I do not want to go through that experience. I know there will come a day I’ll leave the house and wait for him to hug me goodbye, and turn around to realize that he’s not there.
        I keep playing in my head that I didn’t tell him I loved him enough. This is something I know I can’t dwell on forever because it doesn’t change anything, but I know that I will. I know that I will guilt myself for it. I take small comfort that I at least hugged him last time I saw him. I take comfort that he went peaceful. I take comfort that he is no longer in pain. I know I will not take comfort in the things I never got a chance to say. Words he’ll never hear. I can only hope that he knew I loved him as I know he loved me.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©

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