I give up on the prospect of ever finding love.The likelihood of it
ever happening the way I imagine it seems slim to none. Perhaps it’s all
my fault. I am picky. I am anti social. I do have this 80s style rom
com view on romance. It’s as if I’m waiting for John Cusack to play
Peter Gabriel outside of my bedroom window. Things like that don’t
happen. There’s no “Your hand fits perfectly in mine” or “You complete
me” or “You had me at hello”. That type of romance doesn’t exist. The
feeling of being swept off of my feet by a soul mate won’t happen. Maybe
a such thing as a soul mate doesn’t exist. Maybe we just run into
people in life that we like enough to want to be around forever and
either love or habit occurs. Twice in my life have I ran into men that I
thought were my soul mates. The first one popped in and out of my life
for over 14 years and cheated on me every time we decided to get
serious, but because we got together so well as friends I convinced
myself that maybe he would get his life in order and realize that we
were perfect together. I finally got the courage two years ago to
completely cut him out of my life. The second I didn’t realize I felt
strongly about until he was out of my life. We never even dated, but he
had every single quality and more that I wanted in a man, I just didn’t
feel like I was good enough for him. I hadn’t grown up enough and still
had so much to figure out about myself and didn’t want to waste his time
in the process. I don’t know if these are feelings I could ever
recreate. I don’t trust myself let alone others. It’s a hard habit to
break. I either push people away or somehow get to clingy and run them
away. The only other option is for me to be alone. That’s probably what I
will be as long as I have this unrealistic view or what love and
passion should be. I’d love for it to exist and I’d love to capture it
and completely immerse myself in that kind of love, but I’m no Meg Ryan.
This ain’t a love story.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©
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