I Think I Can

         I don’t know why I find it so hard to write. This once was my only love. I could sit down and write an entire story in a matter of hours. The words would flow so perfectly and easily. I was so confident in my ability to tell a story. It didn’t matter how serious or silly the subject. It all came so easy. I felt like I was a natural. No, my grammar is not perfect and in a rush my spelling would surely be off too, but none of that mattered to be because I WAS a natural. Now when I write it’s like learning a new language. You retain the basics, but you can’t fully grasp the entire understanding of whatever the hell it is you’re talking about. I’m easily distracted. I all too easily doubt myself. It’s very crippling. Losing motivation in the thing I loved most is like not being able to breathe. I haven’t been able to breathe for a long time. At times I can catch my breath and everything seems fine and brand new then all of a sudden something knocks the wind out of me again. I once read a quote that said something to the effect that “I’ve fallen in love with depression”. I in fact have. It gives me every excuse in the world. Can’t write? I’m depressed. No motivation? I’m depression. It’s my scapegoat. It’s also my hindrance. As easy as it is to say that my lack of motivation stems from depression, it’s so hard to burst through that wall to knock this demon on its ass. Hiding behind this wall of mental illness is easy until you realize that there’s no way around, above, or under that wall. You just sit there, stare, and wonder how you got trapped in the first place and how long have you been cowering behind this wall. I’m so so tired of being trapped, but I know nothing different. I so much so want to be a best selling author. I want that more than anything. I want my words to help people. I have so many stories that I know for a fact would reach and touch so many, but I can’t get past myself. I am forever standing in my own way. The fear and the doubt has left me without passion. I write little posts like this in hopes to get me motivated and to give me a little push, and above all else, to get to the nitty gritty of what I’m feeling, but it hardly ever goes beyond that. How do I get back to what I love? I need to find a way to stop me from stopping me. That’s the only thing between me and creativity. I guess, I’ll have to remind myself that there’s always baby steps. To not beat myself up over the big picture and instead celebrate my small victories. It’s easier said than done. I’ve been beating myself up for so long that it’s hard to remember what a self pat on the back feels like. I’ll get there. I will definitely get there.

-Asia Aneka Anderson