The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Learning To Love Myself

        I’ve finally started back going to therapy. It certainly has been a while. Years in fact. I’m hoping this time I can finally get my life on track and my thoughts clear. My first assignment was to watch a YouTube video of a speaker named Kristen Neff. She’s speaking about self-compassion at a Ted Talk. Self-Compassion is something that I’ve lacked for a very long time. I’m not ever sure when it stopped or if I even had compassion for myself ever.
       I’m often so hard on myself. My biggest obstacle is feeling like I haven’t accomplished all the things I feel a 30 something should have. I don’t have a degree. I’m back living at home. I don’t have a steady “career”, instead I’m stuck in a part time job. I’m not married nor even in a relationship and haven’t been for years. I have no children. I have no accolades. I feel like a failure. My accomplishments seem far and few in between.
       Kristen speaks on how we as people always have kind words of advice to friends but never for ourselves. If I ever heard one of my best friends say the things I just said about myself I’d actually be pissed that they even thought that. “Are you kidding me?! You’re great! We all have setbacks, but you’ll come out on top.” I’ve never received that pep talk from me. I save it for everyone else. I’m not very kind to myself and I don’t deserve to feel the way that I do about me. Not only does my daily life stress me out the way I react to myself stresses me out as well. I’m unsure why this happens. I’m only human. We make mistakes, fail, fall down, and get embarrassed but we judge ourselves so harshly. I know that I am my biggest critic. I knock down everything I try to do. I’ve been trying to write a book/script for several years, but make no progress, because I think my talent is lacking.
      I want to learn to be more kind to myself. I need to love me. I need to support me. All those words of advice that I dish out first need to be lived by me. I am not failure, but I have failed at some things. I need to embrace that and keep going. I need to strive. Loving myself seems to be the hardest. I see so many broken things in myself and I’m not sure how to glue together the pieces. This is where my self-compassion will have to rear it’s head to tell me that it’s okay. It’s all easier said than done, but I’m worth the love I need to give myself.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2017©

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