Tragic Crush Tales: #10 Part Deux

When will I ever learn that some people are not meant to make a reentry into your life? I learned that again for the millionth time recently. Let’s recap on the first part of E’s shenanigans. He was a guy I met on social media at the end of 2015. He was in and out of my life until about August of 2016 when I realized the reason he was in and out of my life was because there was another woman. That’s pretty much the whole gist. He’d play victim and tried to blame me for his betrayal, but the conclusion of it at is that he was dishonest.
        We fast forward to about April of this year. I’m in the car and I get a text message. It wasn’t from a saved number, but it said “I’m in your neck of the woods.” Now I was kind of freaked out at first because who just randomly texts a stranger that? Then I noticed that I had previous texts from this number and realized it was E again. I never deleted his old messages, because I never get rid of receipts. Against better judgement I let him back in again. He apologized and said that he had made a mistake. All was forgiven, but not forgotten. See, I forgave him because from the very start I could tell he was broken. Perhaps it’s the Libra in me or the depression I battle that allows me to see through someone’s mask. He wasn’t much for a deep communicator, but I could tell. So he was forgiven for his mistake and we got back to flirting as usual. Even before we started talking again I had already purchased tickets way back in January to see my favorite band, U2, in Chicago in the summer. We counted down the days until we would finally meet. The butterflies got stronger and I was honestly more excited to see him than I was to see a band I’ve loved since I was seven years old.
        Later that night when I arrived in Chicago we finally met. I couldn’t believe he was standing right in front of me. I tried to keep my cool and not become giddy as I saw this man I’d become infatuated with finally there in the flesh. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. It felt like we were old friends getting a chance to hang out again after years of being apart. We went out on a date for some good pizza. He opened doors for me, made sure that I didn’t walk on the curbside of the sidewalk. E was a complete gentleman. After our date we came back to my room to wind down for the night. I kicked his ass in Uno a few times and we chatted a bit, especially about our past so that we could hopefully start fresh. He made me feel comfortable. He made me feel like I could open up again. It was really nice. He stayed the night. It was nice laying next to him. The next day He dropped me off so I could try and meet the band and we met up later that night for another date. When our dinner date ended I had no idea that we would be parting ways. I would only be seeing him the following day for him to take me to the show and then that was it. That would be when we would say our goodbyes until who knows when. Understandably I was a little emotional and upset because I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to say goodbye until it was absolutely necessary to say goodbye. He stayed a little while longer, but my heart sank as he turned to leave. The next morning is just as I thought it would be. E drove me to the concert, I kissed him goodbye, and that was it. I was left on a high, but also a low because I immediately missed him terribly.
        When I returned home, still on a high from both this man and the U2 concert, I was already planning my next visit. Hell, I was planning on a move, which was always the plan whether he was in the picture or not. Everything seemed great. We still talked and spoke about how we missed each other. It was great. Soon approaching was the one year anniversary of my father’s death. Leading up to that day there was no huge emotion one way or another. It was just kind of an empty feeling. That feeling that something was missing. On his death date I had planned to get a tattoo to honor him and take my mom with me. The night before E and I were talking. He had joked about something dealing with us and why it was taking him so long to commit and in that moment in time it rubbed me the wrong way and plus my mind was elsewhere. I told him I was going to bed and said good night. I stayed on social media a few minutes more before reaching back out to him because 1. I wanted to let him know that I really wasn’t in a joking kind of mood because I was going through my own thing, 2. but on the other hand I did need someone to talk to because I really needed to distract my mind, and 3. I couldn’t really fall asleep like I was hoping too. When I reached back out he got snotty in a “Oh now you wanna talk to me?” sort of way. I was caught off guard and really confused as to what he was upset about. I let it go, because I was already going through too much hurt reflecting on the fact that my father had been gone a whole year and since my dad died Father’s Day weekend I had to deal with both of those events at once.
        Reaching back out to E sometime later that I night he expressed he was upset because I was so happy earlier that day then all of a sudden got quiet and that I didn’t tell him what was going on beforehand. Since I didn’t tell him beforehand that I may need alone time due to my grieving he labeled me a liar. I explained several times that when it comes to that my moods are up and down. It’s only been a year. Sometimes I still cry out of the blue. Certain dates, places, songs, and events will make me teary eyed. My life is forever changed. I’ve never dealt with a loss of this magnitude so I don’t know how or when moods will hit me. Sometimes I’m not even sure how to cope. I just do what I can and try to go about my day as normal. For some reason he still didn’t get that. He didn’t get that people take losses differently. E still made it about him being hurt that I still stayed active on social media when I said I was sleeping. Now, for me that says he’s upset about something else and making it about that because there is no way possible that someone would be so furious about something so trivial especially knowing what I was going through that weekend. All of a sudden we went from having fun while we were together when I visited to “I just don’t like you anymore”. All because I was dealing with the one year anniversary of my dad’s death. Let that marinate a bit. I still don’t get it either. The sad part is I still want to make it work. I’m not sure if he’s been so hurt in the past that he thinks everything someone says is a lie, but it just makes me want to protect him more. Although, I know (or at least hope) he doesn’t mean to be so hurtful I don’t deserve to be treated in such a way. I need a man to understand that some days are hard for me. That father’s day weekend will always be a sore spot for me. I deserve to be heard out and have a partner who is willing to communicate. I don’t know what I’ve done for someone to think they can treat me like that. I spent that weekend crying over E when I should have been bonding and healing with my mother. He took that away from me. All I ever wanted was to care for him. That time we had with each other was something great. I saw him as someone I could build with when the time was right. I don’t know how we went from “I miss you” to “I don’t want you”. It breaks my heart. It truly does. I’m not sure what to do, but life must go on even though I do miss him. Maybe we’re not right for each other right now, in this lifetime, or even at all. To think about it that way really sucks, but I don’t have anymore tears to give. For this man I’ve shed them all.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2017©

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