Tragic Boyfriend Tales #8

This tale isn’t actually tragic. As in one of my Tragic Crush Tales this one isn’t about the guy. This is all about my shortcomings. I’m in no way perfect and I have to be ready to call myself out the same that I would anyone else.
        Boyfriend W is a really great guy. We actually met a million years ago back in high school. We weren’t terribly close, but we hung in the same circles and I always thought he was a cool dude. Once we graduated we parted ways only to reconnect a few years later to go to a concert. After that we lost touch for about a decade or more with maybe a few times reaching out on Facebook here and there. Of course in today’s fashion we reconnected through social media and Tinder, of all places. I had just finished dealing with a top notch fuckboy and another who only saw me as a booty call. I was still trying to dip my foot in the dating pond despite that. One night a guy from Tinder blew me off.... ok he didn’t blow me off. He was taking to long and I’m impatient. I reached out to W to see if he’d like to join me in karaoke. I didn’t see it as a date at the time, honestly. I had an amazing time. We went to eat afterwards and it was nice to actually have a conversation with someone, feel like they’re listening to you, and not looking for sex after as some sort of prize for being a decent human being. A few days later we went to see a movie and everything shot like a rocket after that. I quickly fell for him as he did me.
        I am in love with this man. Here’s where the tragic part comes in. I feel like I have a shitty way of showing it. I’m terrible at expressing my feelings because that’s what I grew up around. “I love you” were always words that were spoken at the end of things; a phone call, a bedtime story, a goodbye. It was never, that I remember, said just because. Therefore, it was almost something that was said out of habit and not of feeling. I try to tell him I love him often because that’s what I feel. I want him to know I love him now, when he comes to mind, or when I’m with him and not just at goodbyes.
        We are very much still in honeymoon phase so no arguments as of yet, but we have come across very small pebbles in our journey. Each time boiled down to me not being able expressing myself. He even once told me that it was frustrating. All I could do was cry, because I can only imagine that it is frustrating. He was right. It’s something I need to work on, but I never had a great example. Hell, I come from a household where when my parents argued my mom would stick her fingers in her ears and yell “Blah, blah, blah” like a second grader and then place me in the middle. That’s my example of communication with a significant other. I know I am not my parents, but I do come from them. A lot of my affection has childlike qualities. There’s giggling, pouting when things don’t go my way, and short answers when not in the mood. I have a lot of growing to do, but I have come a long way.
        The other form of tragic when it comes to W, is all in my head. I’m a worrier. I’m an individual who is definitely her own worst enemy. Therefore I’m always wondering when he’ll get tired, realizes he can do better, and leaves. Again, all in my head. But W is such a great man. He listens to me, he shows me how much he loves me, he’s an amazing father to his daughter, he’s patient, and he’s my biggest cheerleader. Even as I type this I should be getting ready for a date with him, but he knows how I struggle with my writing and told me to write while I have the motivation. That’s a man. A man that when I show him my unfinished work he mapped out possible plots for a story I so badly want to write. Not even my closest friends who are writers give me such advice. He’s more than I could have ever asked for and then some.
        Not even a month into our relationship I told him that he was it for me. I meant it. I just want my actions and words to prove just as much. I want to push away all my insecurities and anxiety so that I can love him better. I don’t want this to become a true tragic tale. I want this to turn into a fairytale instead. The only way I can make sure of that is to confront myself now so that later I’m not wondering what went wrong and looking for someone to blame. This man is it for me. There is no doubt about that. Someone told me “I bet you wish you had met him sooner.” No. Not at all. Although my approach to love is somewhat childish I have definitely grown from what I used to be. I can at least own up to my shortcomings. Asia five plus years ago, not so much. I was in a different place in my life, and so was he. The timing had to be perfect for us. That time is now. And to think it all started with a last minute “date” to karaoke.

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