Lately, I've been thinking, and maybe my mom or my 40-year-plus followers can relate, that after a major life change it's hard to get back to who you are... or were. Then there's the question of whether there's an old you that even still exists. I love being a mom and my son is the best thing to happen to me, but as he gets older and becoming his little independent stubborn toddler self, it gives me freedom to reclaim parts of my old self.
..... But who is that?
It's no secret that we 80s babies are some of the most nostalgic out there. We long for our Saturday morning cartoons, arcades, and a time before, or on the cusp of, social media. I'm not sure if it's because our pop culture was the best (admit that it was) or because it was the last time we felt safe since a lot of us were entering adulthood as shit hit the fan. I graduated in the summer of 2001. We all know what happened that fall and the world changed forever. Hooray, welcome to adulthood!! Here's war, fear, and don't worry, as soon as you try to get on your feet, here's a recession around the corner. You know, to spice shit up a little.
I try to think back on the things that brought me some peace and happiness, and I legit can't remember the last time I felt absolute joy and freedom in the hobbies/ activities I loved, and when I do I feel guilty about it. Why guilt? There's a few reasons, actually. One being, some of these memories are attached to people who are no longer in my life. Unfortunately, scrubbing some of these people from my life also wiped away fond memories or tainted those memories with the realization that those people were actually harmful and not interested in being a positive confidant for me. I can think back on seeing some of my favorite bands with my, then, best friend, but I also have to remember how this person, low- key, made me feel like one of her token black friends.
Another major reason is cancel culture. Excuse me for a moment while I rant. We live in a time where everyone gets canceled for every mistake. Don't get me wrong. People need to be held accountable for things they've done/said wrong. It's the society not giving people space to correct their mistakes and redeem themselves that get me. How can people grow if you still condemn them for things they're trying to correct. I can't imagine being some immature 13 year old tweeting something dumb for likes and retweets only to have someone dig it up 15 years later to end my career. Like what is that? Ok, end of rant. The reason that cancel culture makes me feel guilty is because a lot of the art, music, movies, etc that I (and most likely a lot of other people) enjoyed are by people who society has "canceled". I don't want to hear someone's think piece just because they heard me play Kanye's first album. We can all agree that he's a problematic mess now ( and that's being polite about it), but come on... it's College Dropout Kanye. Let me live. I think back on how I love(d) to listen to music; all genres. I enjoy(ed) concerts, traveling, movies, festivals, etc., and because of the world we live in, now, I feel like I have to reevaluate all of that. My biggest love, as a preteen, was The Beatles. It's been years since I've listened to them because now I have to look at the fact that John Lennon was an abuser. Name any rocker from the 70s and chances are they groomed their fair share of underage groupies. All of these things are terrible and unfortunately a lot of these things were a product of their time and those rockers made some really good music. Even still a lot of the sexual and overall abuse was horrid and it puts the audience in an awkward spot. I can listen to James Brown and know that he did a lot for the civil rights movement and for our people and still at the same time hope that he is in the hot place for the pain he inflicted on Tammi Terrell, let alone all the other women he abused.
The final major reason is now the threat of realizing our own mortality. How can you capture the things that made you happy when you were younger, when the artists that you loved growing up are all dropping like flies? We can't even watch a Marvel movie without feeling a tiny pang in your heart whenever Stan Lee does a cameo.. or a recent one and know that there won't be one. There's an extra bit of sadness if you turn on an oldies radio station and Purple Rain starts to play. The social media posts that pop up on the anniversary of Aaliyah's death, Chadwick Boseman's birthday, or where were you when you heard Michael Jackson died are enough to make you realize that some of these people never got to see the age that you are now. It makes you realize that we're all getting older and that life is short, but hell, how do you live out the rest of it now that my youth is gone?
We go through many life changes. There's our childhood, where many of us felt safe and everything was new and magical. There comes our teenage years, where hormones turn you every which way but loose, you're trying to find out who you are while at the same time facing the anxiety of becoming an adult. Then there's adulthood. Adulthood has many different roads. For most, one of those definite roads leads to working all the fucking time. You add a relationship and kids to the mix, then where does you, the individual, go? Maybe because my son is only 2 1/2 that I don't entirely see the light at the end of the tunnel of getting back to my creative, somewhat carefree self. I feel guilty that I want to go to a concert, when I could use that money on something for him. Or feeling like a jerk because mama would love to go lay on someone's massage table, but my mom already watches him four days a week while we work. I can't possibly ask her to do it for a fifth even though I know she won't mind. He's 2 1/2 and I can count on 1 hand how many date nights my boyfriend and I have had since he's been born. So not only where did I, the individual, go, but where did mt boyfriend and I go as a unit?
I'm looking forward to the day when I find out who post mom Asia is. I hope she's freer and holds onto her youth while not trying to completely recreate it. I really want to create all sorts of fun adventures not just for me, but for my whole family. I made a promise on the day my son was born that each year we'll travel somewhere. I want him to get a thirst for life early because I didn't get to do that when I was young. I don't want to keep him sheltered like I was. As I feel freer, I want my son to always feel that throughout his entire life. Even though I don't know who I am in this moment I do hope that, as I do for everyone, that I'm ever-changing, ever-learning, ever-growing.
- Asia Aneka Anderson